The Real Deal

I thought today seemed like a good day for the real deal.  While I realize how richly I have been blessed and how much my testimony has been strengthened, this experience has not been easy.  There are some parts that just (dare I say it?) suck.

 Like realizing that I haven't lost even one single pound (how is that even possible?).  Thus I have no clothes that fit.  I literally have one pair of jeans that I bought ages ago too big because they were on sale for $3.00, one skirt and several pairs of pajamas that fit.  And maternity clothes.  Ugh.  No one likes wearing maternity clothes when they aren't pregnant.  And for me, this is much worse. They are a physical reminder that I am not pregnant, nor am I tending to a sweet little baby. I literally had an emotional breakdown in front of my pile of folded laundry when I realized my clothing situation.   It seems like such a little thing and yet not little at all.

And hormones.  Yikes.   Can I just say that it really isn't fun to have the hormones associated with pregnancy, the pain and discomfort that go along with a delivery and yet have none of the benefits of either one?  Like feeling your baby wiggle around inside you or holding a newborn in your arms.  Definitely not fun.

And how about dishes and laundry?  On the one hand there is much to be said for "getting back in the swing of things" and ways in which the normal routines of life bring comfort and healing.   And then there is a part of you that says, "Laundry?  Laundry?  Who cares about something as mundane as laundry?  That is just too normal of a thing when my whole world has been rocked!"

And maybe the toughest one of all.  There is very little tangible evidence that our baby was here.  Each loss is painful and difficult in its own way and I in no way want to minimize the losses that other have experienced at different stages and ages.  I'm just trying to relate my experience with this loss.  While we have felt the whisperings of the spirit and feel assured that this baby is ours, there are very few tangible proofs of the touch he has had on our lives.  There is very little that says, "He was here!"  We have some plans in the works that will help with that, but it is still painful that there isn't much for us to "hold onto."

All these things are just plain rotten.  I haven't stressed these things very much in this blog, because while these things are a factor in my daily life, I don't want them to become the focus of this blog or, more importantly, of my life.  I don't want these things to eat away at me or detract from the amazing spiritual journey we have been on.  I don't want these things to become more important then the many times I have felt the Lord's hand in my life as he has guided my path.

The reality is that I have to deal with these yucky, rotten, difficult things.  Every day.  But the reality is also, that I am daily trying to choose a more hopeful path.  There are moments where I just have to bow my head and ask for the Lord's help to get through a particular moment.  And He always has.  Always.  He has not taken my burden away, just made me strong enough to bear it.  My mom shared a thought with me that she had read, that I have found so profound.  She said our trials are not so much about going through the Refiner's fire, as they are about coming to know the Refiner.

I really wish that these sucky parts didn't have to be here at all.  I also really wish things had worked out differently.  And yet, there has been the sweetest spirit in our home these last few weeks.  I have had my faith and testimony strengthened in ways I couldn't have imagined.  My relationship with my sweet husband is stronger and deeper than before.  My love and appreciation for my children is greater--because of what we have been through.  And I know to whom I must give thanks for those things.

So yes.  The real deal is that there are things, moments and times where things are just rotten.  But the real deal is also that are many, many more things that are good.  And that is what I remind myself each day.  That life, even with all these parts I really don't like, is still good.  Oh. So. Good.