When Our Faith is Tested

Today was a difficult day.  Today we found out our baby had passed away.

We have greatly felt the Lord's hand in our lives this past week or so, even more so than usual.  We have prayed and pondered the situation we have been placed in.  While we certainly don't have all the answers, nor a full understanding of the Lord's plan, of this much we are sure--this is the Lord's plan for our family.

While that knowledge certainly helps, I cannot say that it makes this trial easy.

There is much that we don't understand about our Heavenly Father's plan.  There are questions we have that will likely never be answered fully for us in this life.  But much of our life here requires us to live by faith and this is one of those times.

And so while there are many things we don't know, there are some things we do know.  One, is that we are not alone.  We also know that our Heavenly Father loves us.  He also loves this sweet little boy He has blessed us with, even for so brief a time.  We know that this little spirit needs our family and we need him.  We trust that the Lord will work things out for our good.

With that, we are grateful for the words of our leaders (Elder D. Todd Christofferson), that came to us as a tender mercy:
"A physical body is also essential for exaltation, which comes only in the perfect combination of the physical and the spiritual, as we see in our beloved, resurrected Lord. In this fallen world, some lives will be painfully brief; some bodies will be malformed, broken, or barely adequate to maintain life; yet life will be long enough for each spirit, and each body will qualify for resurrection."


Thank you so much for the prayers you have offered for us, and continue to offer.  We are ever so grateful.

A Bunch of Things I'm Thankful For

I think I left off somewhere in the middle of my thankful list.  Clearly, its been a rough week, but even still there are so many things I'm thankful for.  So here is a Thankful List, in no particular order, of a few of the many things I'm thankful for.  I'm not keeping track, but I hope this makes up for all the ones I left off.

*I'm thankful I got to spend all day Thursday and Friday with my sweetheart, including time here:

It was wonderful!!!

*I'm thankful for hotel restaurants, who serve dinner on Thanksgiving.  And who serve a meal that is worth every penny we paid for it.

*I'm thankful for kids who give the biggest hugs after having been away from us for a mere 36 hours.

*I'm thankful for those same kids who will all climb in our bed first thing in the morning and all snuggle in, vying for the "best spot".  (One guess, as to who wins that battle. :))

*I'm thankful for kids who make messes that make me laugh.  Like this one:

This used to be two packs of nabs and one pack of nutter butters.  Now it is just the crackers/cookies.  The filling has all been eaten. :)

*Or other things, like Paige smearing an entire tube of chapstick on the glass front door.  It looks a fright, but it makes me laugh.  So I'm leaving it.  

*I'm thankful for an awesome family, both immediate and extended.

*I'm thankful for a wonderful group of friends who I adore.

*I'm thankful for a brown sugar pound cake cooked to perfection.

*I'm thankful for people who seem to love baby-sitting my kids.

*I'm thankful for protein bars (a.k.a. Reese's Cups).  Thanks, Cory, for helping me find the health benefits in everything.

*I'm thankful for my Grandma's sweet potato casserole.  And for the sacrifice it took her to make it.

*I'm thankful for tender mercies.  I know they are there all the time, but we seem to have experienced an abundance of them.

*I'm thankful for my Heavenly Father and my Savior. 

*And I'm thankful for a million other things that are too numerous to name.  But I'm thankful all the same.

Where is My Superhero?

I wore this shirt today.

Luckily, I already know the answer to that question.  In the last few days (days?  Could it really only be days?) I've been reminded again of the kind of man I married.  He has been patient, kind, understanding, loving, supportive, unselfish and every other good adjective you could possibly come up with.  In short, he has been amazing.  He has been a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold and a listening ear.  He's encouraged me to keep going when I felt like I couldn't do it.  He's told me to stop and rest and cut myself some slack when that's what I needed most.  There just aren't enough words nor nearly enough space for me to adequately express how wonderful my sweet husband is.  I've always suspected he might be a superhero.  Now I'm sure.  Yes, I love that man--to infinity and beyond, as my kids like to say.  I'm sure its at least that much.

I'm sure many of you have been wanting an update on our current situation.  We have been bombarded with new information, new medical terms, new test names and new procedures with which we have previously been unfamiliar.  By the time we have discussed--at length--the situation with our doctors, discussed the situation between ourselves, and then relayed the pertinent information to our immediate families, I have been left drained.  Although there are still test results we are waiting on, they are unlikely to have a significant impact on the reality of our situation.  And that reality is that there is almost no chance (and I am hesitant to even add the "almost" in that sentence) of long-term survival of this sweet little boy and very little chance of short-term survival.  And while we both acknowledge the Lord's power and ability to perform a miracle in our lives and the life our baby, we both feel that that is not the path He has in store for us.  While the news is devastating, and I in no way want to minimize the difficulty of this reality, the news is only devastating in terms of this baby's earthly life.  In terms of his sweet spirit and our knowledge that families are forever, the news is anything but devastating.  And that is what we are trying to remember and focus on as we face uncharted territory.  As we approach this Thanksgiving season with a heaviness in our hearts, we also feel an overwhelming amount of love, gratitude and joy, for the innumerable blessings we have in our lives.  We have been so blessed to see, recognize and feel the love our Heavenly Father has for us, and the awareness he has for our individual circumstances.  I have been awed and humbled by it.  And while there is no denying our sorrow, we are choosing to find happiness in the small and simple things around us.  We feel "encircled about eternally in the arms of His love."  And for that, we are profoundly grateful.

I Think I Can

Saturday morning there was a church function I needed to attend.  And it wasn't something where I could just sit in the back, like a knot on a log.  I had to be there and participate.  It was something I usually love doing.  Only Saturday morning found me with a very weak grasp on my emotions.  Its one thing to feel a little emotional.  Its another to feel like the slightest thing could cause a quick break into the ugly cry.  I'm sure people would understand if I couldn't be there.  People are so loving and understanding.  But it was so last minute and I hadn't gotten anyone to cover for me and just don't like leaving people hanging.  So I decided I would try to go.  Only as the minutes crept by, I felt less and less sure I could do it.  I mentioned to Cory that if I had realized only a little bit sooner what a mess I was going to be, I could have found a friend to go with me and that would have made all the difference.  And so he said, "Well, Melissa lives near the church, why don't we call her and see if she'll go with you?"

How many people can you call at 9:30 on a Saturday morning and say, "Hey, could you come to the church with me and just be there with me so I don't have to go alone.  And by the way, could you be there in 30 minutes?"  I suspect there are several people I could call, who would say, "I'll be there."  I know for sure there is at least one.  Because sure enough, Melissa came.  And it made all the difference in the world.

I learned two really important things on Saturday.  I am the kind of person who likes to do things on my own. When I have a bad day or a private struggle or a personal challenge, I kind of like to keep it to myself.  I just like handling things on my own.  But Saturday was a wonderful reminder that sometimes its good to ask for help.  I feel confident that the Holy Ghost prompts people all the time to offer help to others who are in need. But sometimes its okay to not expect the Holy Ghost to work so hard.  Saturday I just needed a friend to be with me.  And its okay for me to ask for that.

The other thing I learned is that I can do hard things.  Saturday was hard for me.  Honestly, it would have been much easier not to go.  And I think it would have been okay if I had chosen that.  However, I showed myself that I can do hard things.  I feel sure I will need that reminder again and again in the near future.  And I can remember Saturday and remind myself that I can do hard things.

*I would just like to thank everyone who has taken time to email, call, send us a message and let us know in any way, shape or form, that they care about us and are supporting us in whatever way they can. Each comment has been read, cherished and has uplifted us.  It has meant so much to us to feel the outpouring of love we have felt.  Thank you to so many who love us.  We can never thank you enough.*

When Things Go Wrong, As They Sometimes Will...

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven.


How true this is, as we have learned in a very difficult way this week.  At our ultrasound this week, to determine the health and gender of this new baby we have been preparing for, some major complications were discovered.  While not completely unprepared for this news, we were, nevertheless, heartbroken.  


The short version, is that our baby (a boy) has a severe neural tube defect.  The prognosis is very bad and doctors gave us little hope for a good outcome.  We are still reeling from the news and have many questions and appointments in the coming weeks to determine our course of action.  


And while we are struggling with the challenge that lies before us, we have not been left alone.  We have a great love as a couple and have relied on one another.  We have wonderful children who are brave and strong and loving.  We have extended family who will drop everything to help in whatever way we need.  We have friends who are kind and thoughtful and whose prayers lift us up.  We have an unshakable faith in a Heavenly Father who loves us and a Savior who has made salvation possible. 


Elder David A. Bednar said, "When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance."


This is how we feel.  We are facing a difficult challenge but we will be okay.  Maybe not in the way we thought we would be okay, but in the Lord's own way, we will be okay.


For those of you whom I see on a regular basis, I wanted you, especially, to know how I felt and how you could help.  Some of you are much better about this than me, but I'm terrible when it comes to knowing what to say and how to act around someone who has experienced a loss, heartache or challenge.  I would love someone to tell me what they need, so I can be helpful.  I am just not good about knowing what to do on my own. So here it is.


 This is tough and will be for a while.  But please feel that you can say "Hello" to me when you see me.  I would love nothing more for you to hug me and tell me that you love me and are here for me.  I won't be offended if you chat about something totally insignificant, like some cute jewelry, a new bag you have, or what silly thing our kids did.  In fact, I would probably welcome the chance to just have a normal conversation.  I really don't feel up to questions about the situation we're facing.  It hurts and there is a lot we still don't have answers to ourselves. On the other hand, there may be times in the coming weeks when I feel like talking about things and if I do, just be a listening ear.  I don't know which thing I'll need when, but I'll make sure I tell you.  I know there are many in my circle of friends who have recently had babies and who are currently expecting their own.  I don't feel anything but joy for each of you.  Don't feel like you can't talk to me or that I will be hurt by seeing you or hearing you talk about your experience.  I have experienced that joy 4 times and am so grateful for my experiences and I am grateful for your joy.  Mostly, just keep our family in your prayers.  That is what sustains us and will continue to do so, over the next little bit.


Oh, how we wish things were different!  And yet, we feel that the Lord has a plan for our lives and know that this is part of our mortal journey.  Therefore, we will "press forward, with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God and of all men."


Thank you, each of you, who are the kind of people who share both our joys and our heartaches.  We love you.


And this is why we do not feel alone, even in the midst of our sorrow.

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Seventeen

I'm thankful for snuggle time with the kids in the evening.  I love having one or two (or three or four) of them come snuggle with me in the bed before bed time.  We might read a story, we might talk, we might watch a show, or we might just be happy to be together.  Precious times.

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Sixteen

I'm thankful for my crock pot.  I love putting dinner on in the morning and have it "magically" be ready at supper time.  So wonderful!

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Fifteen

I'm thankful for children who love each other.

The school kids had awards ceremonies last week.  We, of course, went to cheer on our favorite first and fourth graders.  As soon as the awards are over, we get to go hang out with the kids for a minute.  I love how sweet Elise and Ian are with Merry Grace and Paige and how excited they all are to see each other.  There's nothing like knowing your kids love each other. :)

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Fourteen

I'm thankful for hot rollers.  My hair is finally long enough to curl when I want to.  And it is fun. :)

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Thirteen

Oh, how I love a clean house.  I love it when the floor is cleaned, the clothes are put away, the counters are wiped off, the laundry is done, the dishes are done...you get the idea.  I just like it CLEAN.  It doesn't have to be spotless, but I can't stand clutter and dirt.  With everything we have to do and take care of, its not very often that I'm able to achieve the level of cleanliness to which I strive.  But Saturday I came pretty close.  I went to bed in a peacefully, blissfully clean house.  And it was wonderful.

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Twelve

Mostly I'm thankful for Fridays.  I'm thankful that on Fridays, I don't have to cook dinner.  I'm thankful that my sweetheart does the cooking (i.e. brings home chinese) instead.  I love knowing that we have the weekend ahead of us which means time together, time to get projects or cleaning done and maybe even time to squeeze in a little fun.  This Friday also meant an evening for me to run out without the kids and get the ever so slightest bit of Christmas shopping done.

I happened to be at Belk and decided to look in their jewelry section.  I had a pair of earrings I'd gotten there a while back that I loved.  I took them off one night before bed and put them on my nightstand.  The next day, I was straightening up and found one--only one--of the earrings.  I looked everywhere for the other earring, but to no avail.  So last night I decided to see if maybe, just maybe, there was another pair like it.  And there was!!!  Only one pair, but it was there.  And even better, it was one of their red dot clearance items and I got them for $6.00!!!

After shopping, I came home to find Paigie Poo already asleep (which was a huge blessing because her sleep routine has not been helped by the time change).  Then, my other two girls snuggled in with me and we started watching "The Sound of Music".  We love that movie. :)

I'd bargained with the kids last week.  Our rule is lights out at 8:30.  But they have a tendency to want to drag bedtime out as long as possible (one more story, one more hug, one more drink of water, one more kiss, one more trip to the bathroom...).  So we told them that if they were in the bed to stay at 8:30 for the whole week, they could stay up until 10:00 on Friday night.  And they were awesome!  Of course, Paige wasn't included in that bargain and Merry Grace didn't make it until 10, but the older kids did.  The trade off was totally worth it. :)  The weekly bedtime routine just became a lot less painful.

So, on Friday, I have a lot to be thankful for.  Most of all, just the fact that its Friday.

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Eleven

Today I am thankful for all the veteran's who have sacrificed to make freedom possible.  I love the country we live in.  I love the freedoms we have.  I'm grateful every day to be an American.

I'm especially thankful for my father-in-law, who was a veteran.  He loved flying the flag in his front yard.  He was a proud American.  He loved the country he had served.

We honored him this past memorial day, by raising the flag in his yard and reciting the pledge of allegiance.  So today, as I give thanks for the many who have sacrificed so much for this country, I am giving thanks for a wonderful man who has left behind a legacy to be proud of.

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Ten

Day 10:  I'm thankful for modern conveniences--the refrigerator, indoor plumbing, electricity, my dishwasher, the washer and dryer, the internet, our car....and all the other things that make my life easier and simpler.

Baby Words

I love two year olds.  Especially two year olds named Paige, who are cuter than cute.  I love her cute little words for things.  Here are some of my favorites:

• When she kisses her Daddy and he as some stubble on his face, she calls them "sharkies" (meaning sharpies.)
• She loves playing peek-a-boo, but says, "Peekie-boo, See you!!!" and I just want to squeeze her adorable-ness.
• She calls froggies, "loggies".
• When her Daddy gets home from work, she yells, "Yay!!!  Daddy home!!!  Yay!!!" and runs up and gives him the sweetest sugar.
• She's been potty training the last little bit and gets lots of cheers for going to the bathroom (and she is doing awesome, by the way), so now when anyone goes to the bathroom, she gives them a big shout-out: "Yay, Mommy!!!  Pee-pee!!!"  Hilarious.
• She calls apples "Apple Pies", pumpkins "punky pies" and monkeys "monkey pies".  Oh, how I love those!

I know there are more, but those are some of my favorites.  So far the "terrible twos" seem a lot more like the "terribly cute twos."  And I am not complaining. :)

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Nine

Tonight I am thankful for good friends.  We had a church activity tonight about Thanksgiving. My sister-in-law taught us about ways to set your Thanksgiving table.  She did an awesome job.  I had such fun laughing and talking and catching up with the other ladies there.  Its so nice to have so many people I love being around.  Thanks for a fun evening, ladies.  It was just what I needed. :)

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Eight

I'm thankful for a warm cup of hot cocoa, right before snuggling into bed.  Perfection!

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Seven

What was it about today that sent my kids into fits at church?  I felt like we were at a three ring circus, instead of stake conference.  Was it the weather?  The time change?  The different meeting schedule?  Who knows.  But between Ian's 18 bathroom and water fountain runs, Merry Grace's wandering around, and Paige's constant sneaking out the door, left opportunities for being spiritually fed few and far between.  But there was something that I got out of the meetings today.  One speaker asked the question "Why are you here today?  Right here, right now--why are you here?"  As I looked at my row of restless and rowdy kids and my sweet, patient husband, I knew exactly why I was there.  I was there because it was the right place to be.  I was there to be obedient.  I was there to set an example for my children, so they would know that church is important.  I wasn't there because it was easy.  Goodness knows, just about anything would have been easier than wrangling the kids for two hours.  And although I may have only left with a couple of thoughts that left me spiritually fed, I definitely left with a clear reminder of why I do the things I do.  On Sunday and ever other day.  And for that, I am deeply grateful.

I'm also thankful for delicious yeast rolls, fresh from the oven.  I made those this evening.  My house smelled wonderful and they tasted as good as they looked.  :)

YUM!!!

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Six

Ok.  I have a great husband.  A really, really super one.  He does a LOT of really awesome things--every day.  Today I'm thankful that he will grocery shop for me.  I had a pretty good list of things I needed to get.  And he volunteered  to do it.  Even though it meant he had to miss most of the second half of the Carolina football game.  If you know Cory, you know what a sacrifice that is.  And for a tired pregnant woman on a really cold, rainy, windy day, that sacrifice meant an awful lot.

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." ~Mignon McLaughlin

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Five

Today I'm thankful for days where I don't have any errands to run.  It seems that we've had places to go every day this week.  And it gets tiring.  There were three well-child check ups, 3 vaccines, and 4 flu shots over the course of a couple of days.  There was Scouts for Cory one night and Achievement Days for Elise.  Add Piano lessons, a baseball game, a softball game, Cory working late one night and that's pretty much how my week has been.  One night, while Cory was gone, I found out one child had peed in the bathtub and not rinsed it out.  (And shockingly, its probably not the child you're thinking of.) Paige has been potty-training this week (in between errands) and she had brought her potty into the kitchen.  The good news is that she peed in the potty.  The bad news is that before I could empty it, another child knocked it over, spilling pee all over the kitchen.  I had needed to mop anyway.  That just gave me another really good reason to get it done. :)   And four chocolate chip cookies later, I was ready to tackle it all. :)  So yeah.  Its been a busy week.

Last night, during the night, Ian woke up with a bad headache.  He finally threw up and seemed mostly fine after that, although not quite himself.  I kept him home from school, of course.  And with a sick child, you really can't get out and do things.  And today, I was so grateful for that.  We laid around all morning watching movies and cartoons, got happy meals for lunch (I did have to get out for these, but it was better than cooking), and then relaxed some more.  It was wonderful.  So today, I am thankful for nice, warm, snuggly days at home.

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Four

Today I am thankful for foam rollers.  (What? Did you think this was going to be the deep, pondering, soulful Thirty Days of Thanks?  If so, I think you might have the wrong blog. :))

I'm thankful for foam rollers that turn this little cutie's stick straight hair...

...into the most soft, adorable curls you've ever seen.  And they will last all day, even on a rainy day.  And even on a rainy day  where you have to drag four kids to the doctor for flu shots.  Anything that will hold curls through all that, deserves a vote of thanks in my book. :)

Love

I love having kids that love being together.  I hope they will always stick together. :)  They are off to a great start! 

Paige Eating Bread and Looking Darn Cute Doing It.

I seriously kiss this cute little face all day long.  All. Day. Long.

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Three

Homework assignments that produce gems like these. :)

 My favorite is number two--"My Dad needs a chill pill."

"If I had an apple tree growing out of my ears, I could eat apples whenever I want to."  Haha, yes.  Way to look on the bright side, Ian.  I love it! :)

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day Two

Today, I am thankful for CHOCOLATE.  Enough said.

Thirty Days of Thanks--Day One, One Day Late

Today (this would actually be yesterday, but who's counting?) I'm thankful for the Library.  I can't tell you how much I love walking into the Library and browsing for books.  Or better yet, request a book online, have an email sent when the book is ready, walk to the holding shelves, scan it at the self-checkout and be on your way. It couldn't be easier unless they delivered it. :)  And the kids?  They love going in and checking out a book they saw at school, learning about bats or sharks or tornadoes, or randomly grabbing 4 books off the shelf.  Reading is an addiction, but one I never plan to stop. :)  I don't know where I'd be without the library!!!