New Year's Resolutions

It's New Year's Eve.  The end of one year and the start of another.  I have such mixed emotions this year.  On the one hand, this was a tough year.  There are things about this year that I'm just ready to leave behind and start fresh again.  A new year.  A clean slate.  And at the same time, there are things about this year that I never want to leave behind.  And starting the new year feels like saying good-bye to the old one.  And I'm not sure if I'm ready yet.  

Lots of times, I'm doing well.  I'm able to play with my kids, laugh with my friends, joke with my husband.  Most of the time, even.  Then there are those times when I get smacked in the face.  One minute I'm fine and the next minute I get a reminder from somewhere of what I'm not getting in a few months.  Its never anything intentional.  Sometimes the same things don't bother me.  Usually it only last long enough to make me mentally gasp.  But for a split second, or a few minutes or a few days, the loss cuts right through me.  Sometimes I'm quickly able to count my blessings.  Remember the tender mercies.  Feel the love my Heavenly Father has for me.  Sometimes it takes a little longer.  This holiday has a been a wonderful time with family.  But I've had a lot of moments where I've had to give up (again) the dream of how I thought things would be.  

I've been reflecting on 2010--what I've learned, the joys I've experienced, the sorrows I've felt.  

I've also been thinking about the year ahead.  I've thought about what I wanted to get out of 2011.  I've realized more than ever this past year that some things are just out of our control.  I can't always change things that happen to me.  So I've been thinking about what things in my life I do have control over and I've decided to make 4 New Year's resolutions based on those.  I've thought about the different roles in my life and how I can improve myself in relation to those.  

So the four areas I'm working on are my role as a mother, my role as a wife, myself, and my role as a daughter of my Heavenly Father ("who loves us and we love him"...anyone else do that? :))  I haven't really decided what all my goals are.  I think my goal for "motherhood" is to play with my kids more.  I feel like between morning sickness all fall, followed by the loss, I haven't been able to be as interactive as I would like.  And truthfully, even when things are good, sometimes I'm just worn out.  So my goal is to play with them more.  I'm undecided about my goad as far as being a wife.  I'm tentatively saying that I'm going to work on becoming more of a morning person.  I think if I were up earlier and more helpful in the morning, it would ease Cory's workload.  I think that would be a blessing to our family.  But that's a tough one to commit to.  And I'm not sure if it directly affects my relationship enough that I want to do that one.  So we'll see.  I also haven't decided what I want to do to for the other two.  I have some ideas rolling around, but haven't narrowed it down enough yet.  Hopefully I can over the next day or two, since the year is quickly drawing to a close. :)

Mostly, as I've reflected on the pain this year has brought, what I also remember is the peace I've felt.  The love I've felt.  The strengthening I've felt in my marriage and with my children.  The testimony I've gained.  And while this price for receiving these things has been high (and I wish it could have been different), I would not trade the things I've learned this year for anything.  

So here's hoping 2011 brings lots of health and happiness for our family and yours.

Christmas Traveling

Even though we got 10 inches of snow, we were able to drive safely to my parents house on Sunday afternoon.  We got there in time to play in their snow.  They have the perfect hill for sledding in their backyard.  The kids LOVED it.

Of course my silly brother didn't see the need to bother with a jacket...

We ate our traditional taco dinner for supper and then we also had a special family home evening where we shared the service we'd done for each other throughout the year.  (We exchange names for service each year.)  Then each of the married couples shared their "How We Met" story which was fun to hear and reminisce.

After reading the real Christmas story, Logan had had enough waiting around to open presents and had very little trouble convincing everyone else to jump on the bandwagon, so instead of waiting until the next morning, we just jumped right in and started with presents that night.

It was nice to see Ian back to 100% and able to enjoy this round of presents the most.

One of our favorite Carolina fans. :)

 This girl totally had the best reaction to her presents...EVER!!!

 Of course, we had more time playing in the snow, a walk to the creek, a couple of runs to the store, lots of family time, chats, visits, games, wii time and much more.

This was likely my favorite gift from Christmas.  Logan got these great pajama pants from my Grandma.  They are Spongebob pants that have the phrase "Where's the booty?" written all over them.  It just makes me laugh every time I think of them.  I'm seriously going to try and find a pair of my own.  Just for kicks. :)

It was a great holiday from start to finish.  Now on to our next celebrations--New Year's. :)

Christmas Day

As usual, Christmas morning started bright and early.  The kids woke up early and raring to rip into their presents.

 I really love this girl's bedhead. :)  She may even rival Merry Grace back in the day...but not quite. :)

 Does anything say "Merry Christmas" better than this face?

We had a great Christmas day with our own little family.  Ian began feeling better throughout the day, which we were grateful for.  Then later in the day we had Cory's mom stop in with his brother Dale to see what the kids got and visit for a little bit.  We ate a yummy Christmas roast, carrots and potatoes and then fell asleep waiting for Christmas snow to fall.

Christmas Eve

We always spend Christmas Eve with the Barnett side of the family.  We went down to Cory's mom's the day before Christmas Eve and spent the night with her.  The kids loved playing with the cousins who were already there and we loved getting some grown-up visiting time in.  Our trip was marred just a little bit, when Ian woke up at 5am feeling nauseated.  He threw up twice over the course of the day, and was pitiful.  I hate my kids being sick, but especially over the holidays.  Even still, we all still had fun being together and opening presents...and, of course, eating lots of food. :)

Two cute party-goers. :)

 My little sickie.  He had been sleeping, but woke up (or perhaps was woken up) in time to open presents.  He was still not feeling great, but not bad enough to miss out on presents. :)

 My cute little excited Christmas girl.  Grandma got her a pillow pet, which has traveled with us all holiday.  Grandma is so sweet to get thoughtful gifts for each grandchild, which is quite the job, considering how many she has. :)  (And there's Russell's mom in the background.  We love "Little Grandma!")

And here's Merry Grace with her cow pillow pet.  (Its so cute, I'm tempted to get one of my own. ;))

After all the festivities, we headed home to celebrate Christmas Eve night in our own home, for the first time in our marriage.  Cory was beyond excited.  We ate dinner and then snuggled in to sing a few Christmas songs and have Cory read the Christmas story from Luke.  Then we got the kids "all nestled and snug in their beds" and we set about doing the fun work of Christmas Eve.

We did some wrapping and stuffing and putting together.  It was fun just working and being together.

I love Cory "popping a wheelie" on Paige's new bike. :)  Cory & I went untraditional, by opening our presents to each other on Christmas Eve.  I loved the thoughtful, fun gifts he got me and a big thanks to Amanda, for helping him get the perfect 31 bags. :)  After getting all the fun Christmas Eve preparation done, we snuggled into bed and fell asleep watching "White Christmas".  I can't think of a more perfect way to end Christmas Eve.

When the Cat's Away...

...the Mice will play.

This is what happens when my brother baby-sits.  Nice.  When we have to have something surgically removed from one of the kids orifices, guess who's footing the bill. ;)

Make-Up Mess

Stuff like this makes me reconsider wearing make-up.  And I love make-up.  So, apparently, does Paige.

She cleaned out a container of eyeshadow and a tube of lipstick in short order.

Next item on the list...buy a padlock for my make-up bag. :)

Date Night!!!!!!

Date night is....well...its complicated.  Baby-sitting for four kids takes a lot of work and money.  Having more kids has definitely cramped our dating style.  Add to that the "morning" sickness I had since August, not to mention the challenges of the last month and you have a recipe for not many nights out.  Granted, we still tried to do something special on Friday nights, like ordering take-out or to-go food and watching a movie, playing a game or the wii or something that makes the night seem like a special night.  I think that's important--making time for each other, even if its not "going out".  Having said that, nights out are really nice. :)

So Friday night, Cory & I put our kids to bed and got my brother to be the adult supervision should anyone wake up, and at 9:00pm headed out to do some Christmas shopping.  We were gone about three hours, and it was awesome.  I had such a fun time.  We got a few little Christmas presents here and there and some other odds and ends.  Nothing fancy.  But I was so happy.  Actually, I think "giddy" was the word Cory used to describe me. :) I told him it had been a long time since I'd really been "out", on a date or otherwise.  It was wonderful. :)  It was one of the best dates I've ever been on.  It may have just been that it had been so long or maybe it was that I had a really good attitude, but whatever the case, it was near perfection and now I can't wait to go out again. :)

Love, love, love him. :)

One of my Favorite Things

This is why I couldn't take pictures of the Christmas tree.  Snuggling with my baby has to be one of my favorite things in the whole world.

A big thanks to Ian who thought to capture this moment for me.  (And for being willing to give us a second chance so we could look at the camera a smile. :))

Raindrops

One day, back in the Spring, we came home from picking the kids up from school in the rain.  My kids really love playing in the rain and this was perfect--no thunder and the temperature was nice and warm.  They ran and played and laughed.  And danced.  Especially the girls.  Elise and Merry Grace literally danced up and down the driveway.  It was adorable.

Then a few months ago, I made really cute photo books for the kids for Christmas.  I made them for them last year and they loved them so much, when snapfish ran a really great sale, I ordered them again this year.  I like to put quotes under the pictures to go along with what the picture is about.  They came at least a couple of months ago, but I just put the box up. this week I opened it and was going to wrap the books.  I was looking through the girls books and came across these photos in each one, with the following captions:

Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain. 

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!


It was such an appropriate reminder for me, in my life right now.  I loved that my past self gave my future self advice.  I got a little giggle out of that. :)

The Real Tree

We finally got the real tree put up and decorated a few days ago.  We bought the tree, but the realized we had either loaned out or gotten rid of our tree stand.  Once we solved that problem, we couldn't find the box of lights we thought we had in the basement.  So it took some work to get this one in shape.  Once it was decorated, I had Elise and Ian take some pictures of the tree for me, since I was snuggling with Paige. :)

Elise wanted to highlight the problem we have with some people wanting to hang all their ornaments together in the same spot.  She fixed this little situation for us. (Even though I secretly think its cute. :))

Ian got the whole tree, but its a little blurry.  That's okay.  Maybe you'll just have to take my word for it.  It really is a beautiful tree!

Another Installment...

...of why I don't buy my kids toys.

Paige's favorite new entertainment is building towers out of the cans in my pantry.  She has the best time.  The only trouble is that she doesn't know when to stop and ends up with the leaning tower of cans.  She tries her best to hold it up and yells, "Help, Mommy, Help!!!"  She keeps walking over to the pantry and says, "Build a tower, Mommy."  She's just too cute.

Family Fun

Monday night found us having our weekly family home evening.  Last year I bought these plain glass ornaments.  We took pretty scrapbook paper and tore it into small strips.  On each strip we either wrote something we were thankful for or a blessing we had received this year.  Then we rolled the paper up into a little roll and stuffed it inside the ornament, and kept going until the ornament was full.

They turned out so cute.  In this picture you can see Elise's, mine, Cory's, Ian's and Merry Grace's.  Since Paige can't actually write yet, Uncle Adam did an ornament instead.  For some reason its not in this picture.

Then, Elise and I made these yummy peanut butter crackers dipped in chocolate.  Oh boy, were they ever good.  I'm not telling how many I ate.  :)  Even Cory, with his carrot and butter beans lovin' self liked these enough to eat two.  He liked them so much he even wrote on one of his strips of paper that he was thankful for my sweet tooth. :)  That makes two of us.

"Do You Have Room.."

Do You Have Room? (Christmas Music Video) from shawna edwards on Vimeo.


This is the question I'm asking myself this Christmas, and really every day.  I hope the answer is yes. :)

The Real Deal

I thought today seemed like a good day for the real deal.  While I realize how richly I have been blessed and how much my testimony has been strengthened, this experience has not been easy.  There are some parts that just (dare I say it?) suck.

 Like realizing that I haven't lost even one single pound (how is that even possible?).  Thus I have no clothes that fit.  I literally have one pair of jeans that I bought ages ago too big because they were on sale for $3.00, one skirt and several pairs of pajamas that fit.  And maternity clothes.  Ugh.  No one likes wearing maternity clothes when they aren't pregnant.  And for me, this is much worse. They are a physical reminder that I am not pregnant, nor am I tending to a sweet little baby. I literally had an emotional breakdown in front of my pile of folded laundry when I realized my clothing situation.   It seems like such a little thing and yet not little at all.

And hormones.  Yikes.   Can I just say that it really isn't fun to have the hormones associated with pregnancy, the pain and discomfort that go along with a delivery and yet have none of the benefits of either one?  Like feeling your baby wiggle around inside you or holding a newborn in your arms.  Definitely not fun.

And how about dishes and laundry?  On the one hand there is much to be said for "getting back in the swing of things" and ways in which the normal routines of life bring comfort and healing.   And then there is a part of you that says, "Laundry?  Laundry?  Who cares about something as mundane as laundry?  That is just too normal of a thing when my whole world has been rocked!"

And maybe the toughest one of all.  There is very little tangible evidence that our baby was here.  Each loss is painful and difficult in its own way and I in no way want to minimize the losses that other have experienced at different stages and ages.  I'm just trying to relate my experience with this loss.  While we have felt the whisperings of the spirit and feel assured that this baby is ours, there are very few tangible proofs of the touch he has had on our lives.  There is very little that says, "He was here!"  We have some plans in the works that will help with that, but it is still painful that there isn't much for us to "hold onto."

All these things are just plain rotten.  I haven't stressed these things very much in this blog, because while these things are a factor in my daily life, I don't want them to become the focus of this blog or, more importantly, of my life.  I don't want these things to eat away at me or detract from the amazing spiritual journey we have been on.  I don't want these things to become more important then the many times I have felt the Lord's hand in my life as he has guided my path.

The reality is that I have to deal with these yucky, rotten, difficult things.  Every day.  But the reality is also, that I am daily trying to choose a more hopeful path.  There are moments where I just have to bow my head and ask for the Lord's help to get through a particular moment.  And He always has.  Always.  He has not taken my burden away, just made me strong enough to bear it.  My mom shared a thought with me that she had read, that I have found so profound.  She said our trials are not so much about going through the Refiner's fire, as they are about coming to know the Refiner.

I really wish that these sucky parts didn't have to be here at all.  I also really wish things had worked out differently.  And yet, there has been the sweetest spirit in our home these last few weeks.  I have had my faith and testimony strengthened in ways I couldn't have imagined.  My relationship with my sweet husband is stronger and deeper than before.  My love and appreciation for my children is greater--because of what we have been through.  And I know to whom I must give thanks for those things.

So yes.  The real deal is that there are things, moments and times where things are just rotten.  But the real deal is also that are many, many more things that are good.  And that is what I remind myself each day.  That life, even with all these parts I really don't like, is still good.  Oh. So. Good.

The Finished Product

Here are the trees we decorated, now that they are hung up and actually decorating the place.  They turned out so cute and we love looking at them.  

They were so much fun to make and look so pretty now that they're up, that we've all been tempted to make some more.  Too bad we used all the glitter in one sitting. :)

A Little Perspective

This morning, there were several news stories about Elizabeth Edwards and her battle with cancer.  The reports were that doctors had told her there was nothing else they could do and that the end was near.

I couldn't help but think about her through much of the day.  This was coming on the heels of what has been a difficult few weeks for our family.  I have to admit there have been a couple of times where I've wished I could place an order for the "easy" trial.  There have been a few moments where I was sure my legs wouldn't take me where I needed to go or times where I couldn't imagine how I would make it through the next few hours or days.  And yet somehow I did.  Heavenly Father granted me the strength I needed to do what needed to be done.

And today I thought about another mother.  One who faced a battle that she knew she wouldn't win.  She didn't really have a time table for how much time she would have, but there was a limit and her time would be cut short.  She had young children and grown children, and she wouldn't be around to see them grow up or get married or raise their families.  As a mother, I can't imagine what she must have thought and how she must have felt.  I can't even begin to imagine the ache in her heart.  Not only that, but through what must surely be one of the most difficult times in her life, the person who should have been by her side, left her to fight this battle alone.  And tonight I saw the news that she had passed away.

I didn't have to look very far to find someone who made me grateful for my own trials.  Tonight I am grateful that I am able to tuck my four sweet children into bed.  I'm thankful to know that the one I won't be tucking into bed is safe and whole and being watched over, too.  I'm thankful for a husband who has stood by my side through everything these last few weeks.  He has been my strength when mine seemed exhausted and has never once wavered in his love and support.  I cannot imagine how different this situation would have been without him and without his faithfulness.

This time may not be easy for me, but tonight that's okay.  And I'm praying that the One who has watched over me, is watching over another family who has suffered such a great loss.

Bliss

We sort of did Family Home Evening in reverse order last night, doing activity and refreshments first and then lesson last.  After we finished the Christmas trees, thoroughly coated the house in "Christmas Magic", and then  ate peanut butter delights, we all piled into our bed to watch the First Presidency's Christmas Devotional.  It did take a little bit to get everyone settled down (glitter and chocolate cause quite a bit of excitement :))  But once we did, it was pure bliss.  Paige burrowed down into my chest and promptly fell asleep.  One by one, the other three fell asleep.  I can't think of anything more peaceful than listening to messages about our Savior's birth and hearing beautiful Christmas music, surrounded by the people I love the most in this world.  By the end, my bed was full of sleeping children and my heart was full of love and peace.  If only every day could end this way...

Christmas Magic

For Family Home Evening last night, Merry Grace planned an activity that involved glitter.  She and I cut Christmas trees out of colored paper and then for the activity we used glue and glitter to make them pretty.  Now that they're dry we plan to hang them up around the house to make things look festive.

 Elise chose a christmas tree made cut out of tie-dye paper.  She did the glitter in the tie-dye pattern.  It looked so cool.

 Merry Grace went with a "use as much glue and glitter as is humanly possible" theme.  I think it worked well for her.

 Ian wrote words and did neat decorations on his.  He stuck with green, blue and silver colors for his trees.  Much more manly, you know.

 Paige mainly sat on my lap and rubbed her hands in glitter.  And then wiped her face, clothes and hair.  She was just one big sparkle. :)

I'm pretty sure I had as much fun as the kids, or maybe more.  From the looks of Paige, its a wonder I had any glitter left to use on the trees. :)

 Here was Elise's finished product.  So cute. :)  (And the tree looks nice too. ;))

And two more of my favorite people.  Have I mentioned in this post how awesome Cory is?  Because he is.  Awesome.  Completely and totally wonderful. :)

The only thing about glitter, is that it gets everywhere.  Literally.  So now we have a fine dusting of glitter all over the kitchen floor, the living room carpet, the hallway, and probably a few more places we haven't discovered.  We decided to start calling the glitter "Christmas Magic", so instead of things just looking like a mess, it seems more festive and sparkly.  So if anyone asks, we doused our house in a good dose of "Christmas Magic."