New Year's Resolutions

It's New Year's Eve.  The end of one year and the start of another.  I have such mixed emotions this year.  On the one hand, this was a tough year.  There are things about this year that I'm just ready to leave behind and start fresh again.  A new year.  A clean slate.  And at the same time, there are things about this year that I never want to leave behind.  And starting the new year feels like saying good-bye to the old one.  And I'm not sure if I'm ready yet.  

Lots of times, I'm doing well.  I'm able to play with my kids, laugh with my friends, joke with my husband.  Most of the time, even.  Then there are those times when I get smacked in the face.  One minute I'm fine and the next minute I get a reminder from somewhere of what I'm not getting in a few months.  Its never anything intentional.  Sometimes the same things don't bother me.  Usually it only last long enough to make me mentally gasp.  But for a split second, or a few minutes or a few days, the loss cuts right through me.  Sometimes I'm quickly able to count my blessings.  Remember the tender mercies.  Feel the love my Heavenly Father has for me.  Sometimes it takes a little longer.  This holiday has a been a wonderful time with family.  But I've had a lot of moments where I've had to give up (again) the dream of how I thought things would be.  

I've been reflecting on 2010--what I've learned, the joys I've experienced, the sorrows I've felt.  

I've also been thinking about the year ahead.  I've thought about what I wanted to get out of 2011.  I've realized more than ever this past year that some things are just out of our control.  I can't always change things that happen to me.  So I've been thinking about what things in my life I do have control over and I've decided to make 4 New Year's resolutions based on those.  I've thought about the different roles in my life and how I can improve myself in relation to those.  

So the four areas I'm working on are my role as a mother, my role as a wife, myself, and my role as a daughter of my Heavenly Father ("who loves us and we love him"...anyone else do that? :))  I haven't really decided what all my goals are.  I think my goal for "motherhood" is to play with my kids more.  I feel like between morning sickness all fall, followed by the loss, I haven't been able to be as interactive as I would like.  And truthfully, even when things are good, sometimes I'm just worn out.  So my goal is to play with them more.  I'm undecided about my goad as far as being a wife.  I'm tentatively saying that I'm going to work on becoming more of a morning person.  I think if I were up earlier and more helpful in the morning, it would ease Cory's workload.  I think that would be a blessing to our family.  But that's a tough one to commit to.  And I'm not sure if it directly affects my relationship enough that I want to do that one.  So we'll see.  I also haven't decided what I want to do to for the other two.  I have some ideas rolling around, but haven't narrowed it down enough yet.  Hopefully I can over the next day or two, since the year is quickly drawing to a close. :)

Mostly, as I've reflected on the pain this year has brought, what I also remember is the peace I've felt.  The love I've felt.  The strengthening I've felt in my marriage and with my children.  The testimony I've gained.  And while this price for receiving these things has been high (and I wish it could have been different), I would not trade the things I've learned this year for anything.  

So here's hoping 2011 brings lots of health and happiness for our family and yours.