Stepping Back to Leap Forward

I really need to post about the birth of this sweet baby...

But I don't think I can post the birth story without giving the back story of how he got here.  Most of my faithful blog readers know about the baby we lost in my 20th week of pregnancy back in 2010.  I really think  Baby Jay's story starts there.  

In the weeks and months after that loss, I felt a strong need to know where I stood in the grand scheme of Motherhood.  I knew that with four children already, I was closer to being done with having children than just getting started.  I wasn't sure if there were more children for our family or if the four we had made our family complete.  I felt like I was at a crossroads.  I knew I wasn't ready to try again just then or maybe if I would ever be.  A part of me couldn't bear to think my that my time of having babies was over in such a pull-the-rug-out-from-under-you kind of way.  But if that phase of my life was over, I wanted to be able to mourn the loss of my baby, mourn the end of the "birthing" phase of life and jump with both feet into a new stage of life.  Oh, how I wanted more children.  I wanted  this to be the right thing.  But oh, how I needed the Lord's guidance.  I didn't have to know exactly when or how many children or anything.  I just desperately needed to know "if."  I made this a matter of prayer for some time, before getting the distinct impression that there was indeed another child, or children, to join our family.  It eased the heaviness of my heart to feel this way.  Although I still didn't feel ready for a baby just then, it was a great comfort for me to receive this answer from the Lord.  I felt he was aware of my need, in my time of need, and saw fit to answer me this way.  I didn't know when or how--just the knowledge that one day, there was another baby joining our family.  And for then, that was enough. 

As time passed, making the decision to have another baby became another trial of faith.  Although I always wanted another baby, it was terrifying to think of putting that into reality.  As women and mothers, we know the dangers and risks of pregnancy. However, I felt that I knew even more intimately the risk I was taking.  I knew the heartbreak of things not coming to fruition and so I knew that before I could try again, I had to be willing to accept the chance of a loss again.  And for a long time, I just wasn't ready to take that chance.  My heart and my spirit needed time to heal and time to grow.  I prayed.  I pondered.  I searched. In time,  I finally felt ready to try again.

Only Cory wasn't quite ready.  This is our family blog and our story, but everything is from my perspective.  But a loss like that takes its toll on the whole family.  Cory showed such love, support and strength during the days, weeks, months and even years after our loss, even though it was his loss, too.  I could not imagine having a more loving partner who really stood by me and loved me through it all.  There really just aren't enough words to express the depth of love and gratitude I feel for him just being there.  He was there in times and ways that make my jaw drop with awe at the wonderful, beautiful person he is.  Making the decision to have a baby is a big one and one that, for us, needs to have two yes votes before we take that step.  So I knew I needed to give him the love and respect to honor his "not yet" vote without pushing.  But that required another act of faith on my part.  I didn't know for sure if he would ever come to different decision.  Knowing the kind of man he is, I knew he would go forward prayerfully and faithfully, but it still was a challenge for me to accept.

I remember watching general conference in April 2012 and feeling the confirmation again that we should have another baby.  It wasn't long after that that Cory expressed feeling that same thing from that same conference.  The Lord spoke to both our hearts.  And so we felt it was time.

Getting pregnant has always come easy for us--a blessing I have not ever taken for granted.  This one took a few months.  After getting that positive test result I calculated my due date--April 18th.  Five days before the due date I had with the baby I lost.  That was the one month I had been nervous about having a baby.  But what I came to see was that the Lord helped soften that loss with the blessing of healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  The Lord blessed me with something I didn't even know I needed.

For me, a pregnancy after a loss was something completely different.  I felt more like a first time mom than the seasoned Mother I was.  I was anxious and worried quite frequently.  There were moments I felt sure it was not meant to be.  The night before my many ultrasounds (I had 6 altogether), I was extremely anxious.  In my head, I knew this was a different pregnancy under different circumstances.  But I couldn't shake the dread I now felt about having ultrasounds, given that was how we found out the complications in our other pregnancy.  It took much faith and many prayers to get me through.  But get through it, I did.  As great as the moments of doubt and anguish were, the moments of faith and clarity were even greater.  There were countless times when a conference talk would provide just the message I needed to hear.  There were scriptures that were brought to my remembrance in my time of need.  Sometimes I wondered if Heavenly Father would grow impatient with my imperfect faith.  What I came to see and feel was his infinite and perfect love and  patience as I honestly tried to be faithful amidst heartache and doubt. One of the sweetest experiences came after enduring the nerve-wracking experience of my first two ultrasounds.  As I sat waiting for my third ultrasound, I silently prayed that all would be well.  And I felt the baby kick!  As I would anxiously wait at each doctor's appointment, I would feel the baby move and kick.  I felt like he was saying, "I'm here, Mom.  It's going to be OK."  It was a beautiful gift.

Although I didn't have complications, the pregnancy was not easy.  It was difficult taking care of the responsibilities I already had while growing a baby inside my body.  It was a sacrifice of time and energy.  It was a sacrifice on the family as we worked together to get "everything" done.  Pregnancy was not easy.  But it was worth every single bit of sacrifice it took.  It was worth that and more.

Even with all this, I feel like I've only scratched the surface of the many different experiences I've had getting this baby here.  I feel like its only the tip of the iceberg of the depth of emotions I've felt.  It has been a deep, soul-searching experience all along the way.  It has been one that is both so painful an so beautiful that I don't know that I can ever capture the thoughts and feelings in my heart.

All I know is that it was worth it.  So worth it.