Out There.

I almost wrote about this before I wrote my last post.   It's something I've had on my mind lately as I've blogged.

After losing the baby last year, I felt like my pain and heartache became a very public thing.  And for the most part I've been so grateful for that.  I received so much love and support through a painfully difficult time, that I wouldn't have gotten in the same way, if I hadn't put myself out there.  By nature, I tend to keep my deepest emotions and feelings to myself.  So making the conscious choice to go against my natural instinct--to wrap myself in a cocoon--was more than a little scary.  Instead of wrapping myself in a cocoon of silence, I wrapped myself in a cocoon of love and support from friends and family.  And I'm so thankful I did.

But after a while, having my pain and heartache "out there" got hard.  And I had so many deep and tender emotions and feelings, even months later, that were just too difficult to share.  Some were painful, of course, but some have been sweet and beautiful.  But personal.  And so I've just blogged about superficial things, rather than the heart of the matter.  Not that the things I posted about weren't real.  All the experiences of our family are important.  But I felt like mostly I had to just graze the surface of life and not get too deep.

But just skimming the surface isn't really who I am.  While I am personal and private in a lot of ways, I'm also very sincere and thoughtful and caring.  And those things don't just happen on the surface.

I guess my point is that I felt like I had my heart opened, in a way, through my loss.  But it hurt a little bit.  Or a lot.  And for it really to heal, I had to shelter it and protect it a little bit.  Or a lot.  But I finally feel that I can open up more again.  And get to the heart of the matter.  Because that's who I am.  I think its another step in the healing process to feel that way.  Not that my heart will ever be the same again.  And not just because of the heartache, but also because of the love and friendship I felt from those around me.

I love this quote by Elder James E. Faust: "Its not so much what happens to us, but how we deal with what happens to us."  I don't just want to endure life.  I want to endure it well.  Or as President Hinckley said, "In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."  I still have a lot of work to do.  But I think I'm getting there.